


Still

by Tenderisthenight



Category: B.A.P
Genre: M/M, Romance, Slice of Life, this is not new im just transferring my works
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-02
Updated: 2017-07-02
Packaged: 2018-11-22 08:24:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 19,918
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11376345
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Tenderisthenight/pseuds/Tenderisthenight
Summary: Youngjae never liked to keep still,and when Yongguk comes,he learns what it means to grieve.





	1. Chapter 1

_The world's just spinning_  
A little too fast  
  
  


 

 

Youngjae gets headaches pretty easily.

Constant rambling, and shaking and pretty much the inconsistency of planet earth and his life and his own goddamn hyperactivity are always the source of the swirling in his head. The merry go round. The earthquake and the volcanoes explosion of his mind.

But it was a good thing. He thrived on it. Everything too still was apprehensive, means nothing was moving, nothing was happening and it could only mean a halt and Youngjae never liked halting. Never liked the feeling of meaninglessness and whatever brings the same meaning to the word that was apparently non-existent.

He knew his list of things that made his head get all worked up was infinite, and a friend named Jung fucking Daehyun who had no idea when to shut up was at the top of it all.

“It was New Year’s eve, Youngjae, I swear, the girls were cute the party was—”

If Youngjae wasn’t making it clear that he wanted Daehyun to stop, he certainly did when he clutched at his head because all those information, useless, meaningless information Daehyun was feeding him hurt his head.

“Can you just stop for a second?” Youngjae raised a finger and Daehyun finally stopped, lips shut and round eyes staring at Youngjae expectantly.

When Daehyun opened his mouth again Youngjae grunted and shut his eyes tightly.

When he opened them again he glared at the brunette in front of him. “Look, you’re trying to tell me the story of you hooking up with this guy at the New Year’s party right?”

“Uhuh.” Daehyun nodded.

“Then get straight to the point!”

“Right.” Daehyun took a breath. “You know how everything like that was supposed to be a simple hook up and—”

“Daehyun, you’re deviating again!” Youngjae retorted, frustrated. “I’ve been listening to you for hours and I just want to know the important things.” He thought about it. Not that he wanted to know about Daehyun’s one night stands but then—

“We hooked up on Jongup’s New Year’s party.”

“Good.” Youngjae nodded. “It was obviously not a one night stand?”

“Yes. I mean I thought it was.”

“And it wasn’t. Because you’re still seeing him.”

“Yeah. I don’t think he expected this too, he was all—”

“What did you do that keeps the two of you seeing each other?”

Daehyun thought a bit, looking down at his tea for a moment. A small tug on his lips had him talking again. “The sex was _that_ great.”

He was nodding and smiling with raised eyebrows as Youngjae had to wipe away the coffee he had accidentally spat out at Daehyun’s statement.

“Okay, fuck that, I’m gonna leave. If you want to brag about—”

Daehyun was laughing wholeheartedly, pulling on Youngjae’s hand to make him sit again. “So on the first day of this year, I didn’t know why but I just had to wake up early and prepare food.”

“You guys had _brunch_?” Youngjae made a disgusted look because Daehyun was the guy who avoided brunch at all cost after a hook up. Weren’t you supposed to avoid brunch?

“I know!” Daehyun exclaimed, people turning heads and he made a look that showed just how crazy it was but he did it. “Even my roommates were surprised!”

Youngjae furrowed his eyebrows.

That reminded him. They were talking about Daehyun’s apartment which he was renting with two other guys Youngjae had never met because Youngjae took a leave for the whole previous semester. Daehyun had to do things without Youngjae and that meant Youngjae was a little left behind. They were just catching up and Youngjae just _didn’t fucking know_ how they ended up talking about a guy Daehyun hooked up with on New Year’s party.

His head hurt.

“Anyway,” Youngjae sighed. “I was looking for a place to rent?”

“Oh.” Daehyun blinked, obviously he had just remembered what they were talking about in the first place too. “Our apartment has got three bedrooms, we got one each.” He shrugged and smiled apologetically at his friend.

“I don’t want to live with you.”

Daehyun seemed a little hurt by the statement. “But, while you’re looking, you can come at my place—”

“I’m not sleeping in the same bed as you are.”

“Great cause it’s for two only and I’ll be – ”

“I don’t need to know that!”

The actions Daehyun made with his hands irritated him.

“You can sleep on the couch.” Daehyun shrugged. “My two roommates are cool, they won’t mind.”

“What kind of people they are that they could stand living with you?” Youngjae rolled his eyes as he took a sip of his coffee.

“The cool kind.” Daehyun said pointedly. “They’re pretty laid back, I guess. Something seems to be going on with the two, but they’re really good friends so.” He shrugged.

“I guess I’ll just be staying with Jongup for the time being.” Youngjae muttered.

“Come on, what does Jongup have that I don’t?”

Youngjae shook his head, chuckling as he picked up his bag, ready to leave.

When they walked out of the café to go their separate ways Daehyun pulled him into a brief hug and Youngjae gave him a small smile.

“It’s nice to have you back.” Daehyun murmured when he let go, round eyes earnest.

“Thanks.” Youngjae patted his arm before walking away.

He really appreciated Daehyun meeting up with him immediately once he arrived at the city and catching up with his close friend was one thing he really enjoyed. As much as he was annoyed at Daehyun, and Daehyun annoyed at him too, they both knew it was what kept their friendship going in the first place.

Youngjae called up Jongup and went to his studio apartment, the younger welcoming him warmly and Youngjae was just glad there were so many people with warm hearts to keep him company  in the cold, cold city.

 

 

 

Youngjae was left behind since he took a leave for the previous semester, which meant, Daehyun was ahead, and was already in different classes and Jongup too. But the two was kind enough to let him know which classes he should take up and which professors to avoid.

He had his first class that Monday, and to return back to that college life left a weird feeling inside him that somehow told him nothing changed at all, everything resumed its places in the end, and the earth was constantly spinning, the whirling in his mind was still there and he was still the kid who couldn’t shut up in the class which had his professor frowning at the end of class.

He was still in search for a place to live nearby, checked out a few places and irked by a place with cockroaches his search halted for the time being because _Jongup I can’t live with little insects as freeloaders_.

Truth was, he was scared of insects.

“Do you have a partner?”

A deep voice interrupted his train of thoughts as he looked over his notes for the class he had that day and he turned to see a man sitting beside him, looking at him expectantly.

Youngjae blinked. As much as he was active in class he was oblivious of his classmates and this was the first time he had seen this person.

“Um, what?” He found himself saying.

“For the project paper?” The man raised his eyebrows, full lips, wavy black hair that seemed very well taken care of and so soft. He had the kindest eyes Youngjae had even seen, the kindest beside Jongup’s and button nose that reminded Youngjae of a bear.

“Oh, yea.” Youngjae shook his head as he straightened himself in his seat. “I mean, no. I don’t have one.”

He stared at the man, nodding slightly and the man looked at him, an amused smile playing on his face.

“Well, maybe we can…?” His deep voice rattled Youngjae’s inside and Youngjae was caught off guard by how warm, and comforting it was to hear him talk in that deep, soothing voice of his. It occurred to him the room was chilly and he shouldn’t have just worn his white tee and pair of blue jeans to class.

“Sure.”

The man chuckled, holding out a hand and they shook hands. He had firm, long fingers that kept Youngjae’s hand still as he said his name.

“Bang Yongguk.”

“Yoo Youngjae.”

 

 

 

Turned out they were in pretty much in the same classes all semester round. And Youngjae noticed him sitting in the back, in the middle, in the front, his seating so inconsistent, the blue and black pens he used interchanging, one notebook with scrawled handwriting and always, long, slender fingers tapping on the table as the teacher in front rambled and rambled.

_Bang Yongguk wears dark colored clothes mostly with a few white shirts every now and then, trimmed his fingernails neatly, quiet and has nice hair._

Yoo Youngjae knew that and he didn’t know why.

_He’s your partner for a project paper._

They would be working with each other all semester and Youngjae didn’t know why that was a comforting thought.

 

 

 

“You’re blushing.”

Youngjae looked up at his friend Daehyun. They were having lunch in between classes.

“No I’m not.” Youngjae rubbed his cheek.

It was just that earlier that morning Yongguk sat beside him, smiling at him softly as he took his seat and he smelled nice, like wood or cinnamon or something and he asked Youngjae about something he didn’t understand and Youngjae had managed to answer him. Yongguk had smiled at him as a thanks, appreciative and kind.

“How’s everything going? Okay?”

Youngjae nodded. “There’s this guy in class—” named Bang Yongguk.

Daehyun stared at him for him to continue.

“who sat in front of me and farted a lot so I changed my seat.” Youngjae found himself saying, which was true. Which happened once and he had changed seat and Yongguk noticed him from the other end of the hall as he gathered his things and smiled at him before turning back to his notebook.

Daehyun laughed. “In your face.”

“Literally.” Youngjae rolled his eyes. “I bet my ass he had Indian food the other day.”

Daehyun laughed harder. “Aw man, you should’ve been there when Jongup and I took this class and the…”

Youngjae was glad he didn’t mention Bang Yongguk. Because he wasn’t the man who ate Indian food and farted in class. He smelled nice and was nice.

 

 

 

Youngjae stayed in the library because he planned to grab dinner with Daehyun and Jongup after the two finish their classes so he looked over his notes and read some books when his pen rolled off the table, and slender fingers picked it up, placing it onto the table again.

“Hey.” Yongguk greeted with a small smile, sitting beside Youngjae with books on his lap.

Youngjae nodded, returning the smile. He took his pen, holding onto it like how you have to hold on the handle on the roller coaster ride.

Yongguk stared at him, and bit his lower lip. “I uh, wanted to talk about the project paper.” He started and Youngjae nodded to let him continue. “Maybe we can discuss about it soon?”

“Sure. I don’t like delaying my work anyway.” Youngjae shrugged.

“Great.” Yongguk replied, still smiling.

Youngjae looked at him and raised his eyebrows.

“Tomorrow’s Saturday.” Yongguk shrugged. “We can do it tomorrow?”

“Alright.” Youngjae nodded again.

“Hey what are you up to…?” Yongguk asked with gestures.

Youngjae looked over the books he had on the table and patted one with a hand. “Just reading extra materials and stuff while I got time to spare.”

“Oh no, I meant…” Yongguk chuckled. “Nevermind.”

Youngjae blinked. Yongguk was clearly trying to ask him to hang out with him. He couldn’t possibly for the life of his know why but that was that. “Oh, I got friends to meet up after.” He suddenly explained and he felt weird for explaining somehow. “I mean, if you were asking me to hang out…”

_Goddamn it shut up._

“It’s okay.” Yongguk shaking his head. “I just thought that we could hang out, you know, cause we got a paper to work on together and you don’t like delaying and uh, yeah.”

_Shit. It was work all along._

“No, no, we can. Not today, but then tomorrow’s fine right?”

Yongguk nodded, pressing his lips together and Youngjae noticed how nice he looked in his black jacket.

“We can probably do a lot of stuff then.” Yongguk said. “So your place or my place?”

“Wait what?” It didn’t register in Youngjae that he had said that out loud because he was interpreting it all wrong because a ‘we can do’ and ‘a lot of stuff’ didn’t sound like paper at first, and Yongguk just had to give him a choice of his place or Yongguk’s place which Youngjae only remembered hearing in parties. “Oh no, sorry.” Youngjae had to accept the fact that Yongguk was probably staring at him because of how red his face was. “Is your place cool? Cause mine’s a little small, and cramped.”

He didn’t want to trouble Jongup by having guest coming over anyway.

“My place then.” Yongguk smiled, looking relieved for some reason. “My roommates would probably be out so we would have the place to ourselves.”

Youngjae chuckled, a bit taken aback. “Okay.” He had to look away to regain himself. Yongguk was intimidating to talk to, in a good way. “So um, I’ll give you my number and you’ll text me the address?”

“Sure.” Yongguk took out his phone, beautiful fingers unlocking it and punching in Youngjae’s number as Youngjae recited it. Yongguk smiled to himself as he saved it. “I’ll text you the address. I’ll see you tomorrow.” He said as he stood up, books in his hands and Youngjae nodded, watching him leave.

During dinner with Daehyun and Jongup he received Yongguk’s text message and Yongguk merely sent him the address only which kind of set Youngjae off. He thanked the other anyway and received a you’re welcome almost immediately and he was amused.

 

 

 

Youngjae had to double check whether he was going to the right place. The more he read the address written in the text the more it seemed familiar. And Youngjae was glad it was pretty easy to find. The place was nice although the elevator was a little old but it only created a soothing hum as it ascended, the slight tremor of the metal box only reminding Youngjae that things didn’t move still and it only calmed him.

When he was right in front of the door, he searched for doorbell, but he couldn’t find any and decided to knock on the dark blue door.

The other side sounded quiet, and he looked at his phone and he was actually very punctual. It was 11 am sharp and he wasn’t even embarrassed.

He knocked again when he got no answer and heard rumbling of the locks being unlocked from the other side, straightening his grey sweater in hopes that it was Yongguk.

The door opened and Youngjae was meet with a pair of curious eyes of a very, very tall young man munching on a piece of bagel. The more Youngjae stared the more he seemed like a kid and it occurred to him that he may be younger than Youngjae was.

“Oh, um, hi?” Youngjae swallowed a lump in his throat because damn Youngjae thought he was white enough but the tall person standing in front of him was whiter than anyone he had ever seen.

“Hi.” The other male replied, still chewing.

Youngjae swallowed again because the tall male was wearing a pair of shorts that barely covered his long legs and an oversized white shirt that revealed his shoulder.

“You’re looking for someone?”

Youngjae blinked because the tall kid probably noticed how Youngjae was staring at him and somehow it struck Youngjae how that kid could probably be Yongguk’s boyfriend or something.

_Oh my god._

“I um, I’m looking for—”

The kid’s shoulders slumped, holding onto the doorknob. “It’s not my place anyway you can just come in.”

Youngjae was left with his mouth open at the door as the tall kid walked in and he hesitantly entered the apartment.

It wasn’t his place. It was Yongguk’s place. Did Yongguk have his boyfriend come over to sleep there?

Youngjae looked around, holding onto his bag and the place was tidy, and rather empty, the doors to the rooms closed and only the tall, giant kid walking around the kitchen and pouring himself some milk for his cereal.

“What’s your name?” The kid asked, scooping up the cereal in the bowl and chewing noisily.

“Yoo Youngjae.” He answered, still standing in the middle of the kitchen and the living room.

“I’m Choi Junhong.” Junhong replied, leaning against the kitchen counter. “Who are you meeting up with here?”

Youngjae could have said _your boyfriend,_ but didn’t want to be too assumptive and maybe because he didn’t want the little hope he had unconsciously inside himself to be crushed too soon.

“If you’re looking for Yongguk he’s still getting ready in his room.” Someone said from behind with a raspy voice and Youngjae turned to find another young man walking out from the middle room, black hair and sharp, slanted eyes. “Good morning, Junhong.”

“Good morning, Himchan-hyung.” Junhong replied and Himchan poured himself a drink.

“Yongguk told me he has a friend coming over.” Himchan said, smiling slightly at Youngjae, he looked nice when he was smiling, but Youngjae could have mistaken him as a cold person if he wasn’t smiling. Somehow occurred to him how handsome the man was and he felt a little small in the apartment. “Oh, I’m Kim Himchan by the way. Yongguk’s roommate.”

“Oh.” Youngjae nodded. Yongguk surely lived with interesting people. “Yoo Youngjae.”

“Junhong here practically lives here now although he doesn’t pay the rent.” Himchan explained with a slight sigh and Junhong nodded. “He’s with another one of our roommate.” Himchan looked over Youngjae’s shoulder and laughed. “Oh, look here he is.”

Junhong squealed and quickly ran past Youngjae and as Youngjae turned Junhong was already kissing his boyfriend and they were all over each other it irked him and only then did he notice the familiarity of the pair of arms wrapped around the tall kid.

“Daehyun?”

Junhong was immediately released, and it was certainly Daehyun, with his messy hair and swollen lips.

“Oh, hey, you two know each other.” Junhong said excitedly, one arm around Daehyun’s neck.

“What are you _doing_ here?” Daehyun asked, bewildered, looking like he had been caught red handed over something wrong.

“I was—I mean—my paper and partner—” And as Youngjae fumbled with his words Yongguk came out of his room, dressed in fresh black shirt and deliberately messy, wavy hair. Youngjae was immediately silent upon his presence and Yongguk smiled at him.

“I see they let you in.” Yongguk said, walking towards him.

“You know _Yongguk_?” Daehyun asked incredulously and Youngjae turned to him and it just awfully struck him how Daehyun was roommates with Bang Yongguk, the guy with pretty fingers.

Himchan laughed for some reason.

“Um, Youngjae and I have work to do. We’re doing a project paper together.” Yongguk explained to Daehyun and Daehyun nodded silently, the surprised look on his face was one that Youngjae recognized to be I-am-thinking-something-very-serious-right-now look.

The expression on Daehyun’s face softened and he looked at Youngjae. “Oh, okay. Funny how you never told me that.” He chuckled and Youngjae managed a small smile.

Junhong noticing the slight awkwardness in the air wrapped his arms around Daehyun. “Come on Daehyun, let’s get back into the room.”

“Okay.” Daehyun looked at Youngjae and nodded and he knew they were going to have to talk about it and Youngjae didn’t know why he didn’t want to. Especially with Daehyun, but what was up with Daehyun hooking up with a very tall kid who was taller than he was?

Himchan groaned. “Ugh, please don’t tell me they’re gonna have sex again. It sucks having the room in the middle, I could practically hear them all night.”

Youngjae’s jaw fell as Yongguk laughed.

“I’ll be going out so you two have fun with whatever you’re working on.” Himchan said as he placed his glass into the sink and with a wave he went out of the apartment and it was Youngjae and Yongguk alone in the living room.

Yongguk raised his eyebrows at Youngjae when the latter noticed him staring.

“You wanna go to my room?”

Youngjae didn’t know why his palms were sweaty and just by the suggestion alone his heart was pounding. Maybe it wasn’t a good idea to go to Yongguk’s room because what if his bed smelled nice?

Youngjae always thought that nice smelling bed equals great person.

“Maybe we can—”

He was interrupted by a high pitch squeal coming from Daehyun’s room and Youngjae swore he heard Junhong yelling out Daehyun’s name.

“My room then.” Yongguk sighed, taking Youngjae’s hand and leading him into his room as he talked. “I’m sorry if you think this was a bad timing, I mean, I thought they would be out first thing in the morning and we wouldn’t have distractions.”

“It’s okay.” Youngjae said, watching the way Yongguk’s hand let go of his to close the door behind him.

“And sorry about Daehyun and Junhong. They’re… a bit active.” Yongguk managed a smile.

“I’ve known Daehyun for a long time and trust me, I’m immune to every stupid thing that he does.” Youngjae chuckled, but still he was going to question the fuck out of Daehyun cause from what he knew Daehyun’s taste wasn’t close to Junhong at all. It was a surprise, really.

“Yeah?” Yongguk walked to his messy, unmade bed and started gathering the clothes on the sheet into his arms. “You can sit anywhere you want, I’ll just…” His words trailed off as Youngjae watched him placing all the clothes into the laundry basket in the corner of the room.

Youngjae looked around, the room had a distinct smell that screamed Yongguk, and there was a computer on the desk by the window, three monitors and what seemed to be an equalizer but Youngjae wasn’t sure.

“This is a nice room.” Youngjae said as Yongguk gestured for him to sit and he chose the bed. He placed his bag beside him. “You make music?”

“Thanks, and uh, yeah, sometimes.” Yongguk answered, his deep voice still warm and friendly as he sat beside Youngjae.

“Wow.” Youngjae smiled. “I would love to hear some of them.” He said as he took out his notebook out of his bag.

“Someday.” Yongguk chuckled, embarrassed as he rubbed the nape of his neck.

“So, show me what you got.” Youngjae said as he turned on his notebook and Yongguk hummed.

“I’m sorry?”

Youngjae turned to find Yongguk closer than he expected, and staring at him intently and, confused.

“Uh, what have you got for the paper?”

Yongguk blinked. “Oh,” He frowned. “I haven’t even done any research to be honest.”

Youngjae bit his lips to keep himself from possibly snapping because the main reason he hated working with partners or in a group was the lack of cooperation.

“I’m so sorry!” Yongguk suddenly raised his voice, alarmed and Youngjae blinked, dumbfounded. “I thought we were going to do it together today, I didn’t know we were supposed to do prior research about it. I’m so sorry Youngjae, I really mean it, I don’t mean to be a slacker.”

The sound of the deep voice apologizing so sincerely was soothing, somehow, the way the words slowly come out through those full lips, Youngjae would have thought someone who’s panicking would talk really fast but not Yongguk. He took his time, and his eyes were concerned and Youngjae felt a sense of pride to have Yongguk apologizing over and over again.

“It’s-It’s fine.” Youngjae waved a hand in the air as he turned back to his notebook. “We still have a lot of time.”

“You know what,” Yongguk stood up, looking around and went to his desk to grab his own notebook. “I know you don’t like delaying things, so you can give me what you got and I’ll do the rest.”

Youngjae had to stare at him for a moment in amusement before laughing. “Now don’t try to turn me into the slacker. I won’t take credit for things that you did.”

Yongguk looked at him, eyebrows slightly furrowed. He laughed slowly, husky voice rumbling and making Youngjae’s heart tingle.

“Let’s just start and stop apologizing.” Youngjae muttered and Yongguk shrugged, before nodding.

And soon enough, Youngjae was comfortable on the bed that smelled so much like Yongguk, lying down on his stomach as he had to prove his point why they had to include the ideas he had for their paper and Yongguk, although he was seemed to be the slacker he proved to be earlier on was really smart which had Youngjae watching him as he typed on his notebook, brushing away his black bangs with his beautiful fingers and clearing his throat now and then.

“Daehyun actually talked about you with us.” Yongguk suddenly said, glancing at Youngjae and a soft smile was carved on his face as Youngjae looked at him. “Never told me the name though, would have remembered and recognized you in class.”

“What did he tell you?”

“That you guys are really close.” Yongguk rested his chin on his arms as he was sitting on the floor with his notebook on the bed. He looked up at the ceiling as he thought, humming. “And you are even crazier than he is.”

Youngjae wanted to punch Daehyun right away. “That dumbhead.” He muttered under his breath.

Yongguk chuckled. “I don’t see it though. You seem calmer than he is. I can’t believe it’s you the one that he talked about all the time. Doesn’t sound like you now that I know you.”

Youngjae had to hide his face in the safety of his notebook screen to prevent Yongguk from seeing him blushing. But then damn it Daehyun, why couldn’t he keep his mouth shut?

Youngjae prayed to god Daehyun never told Yongguk the things they did in high school. Because those were crazy stuff that Youngjae wasn’t practically proud of doing. Well, at least not for Yongguk’s knowledge.

At 2 Yongguk excused himself for a moment and Youngjae was left alone in his room. Youngjae didn’t know why he took the opportunity to smell his pillow but god, it smelled like Yongguk’s hair. He loved that shampoo smell so, so much.

He was lying on the pillow and thinking about what shampoo could it be when Yongguk walked in.

Yongguk didn’t seem bothered about him lying on his bed and raised the bags in his hands. “I got food.”

Youngjae sat up. “Gee, thanks.” He said as he rubbed the back of his neck.

“I got us hamburgers, not sure if it would fill you up though.” Yongguk said, taking out a can of soda and handing it to Youngjae.

Youngjae took it with both hands and smiled at him, popping it open quickly.

They ate while they discussed, and the way Yongguk had ketchup on the corner of his lips made Youngjae want to wipe it away and he handed the older a napkin, laughing as Yongguk smiled almost shyly, wiping his lips with the napkin.

When it was close to sun set, Youngjae called his name in a low voice and Yongguk stared at him with raised eyebrows.

“I think that’s it for today.” Youngjae said, managing a small smile as he turned off his notebook.

“Oh, okay then. I think we got a lot done today.”

“Yeah, I think so too.” Youngjae said, gathering his things. “Thanks for um, having me here for the day.”

“No problem.”

And as Youngjae got off the bed with his bag Yongguk scurried to his closet, and Youngjae noticed him taking out his sweater.

“Hey, have dinner with me would you?” Yongguk said, putting on the sweater, smiling and smiling Youngjae didn’t think he had never smiled at him. “I can treat you to the best pizza in town?”

“You don’t… have to.” He said.

“For not doing my research. And delaying our work progress.” Yongguk raised his eyebrows and Youngjae sighed before nodding and Yongguk chuckled, holding the door open for Youngjae to exit.

Once outside Yongguk was hunched in his shoulders at the chilly weather outside and Youngjae glanced at him to offer a slightly awkward smile as they walked.

Yongguk let their shoulders brush to indicate that they should turn right to wherever they were going to.

“So, you took a semester of leave?” Yongguk pushed his hands into the pocket of his sweater and looked at the younger.

Youngjae told himself to not look at Yongguk in the eyes as he nodded, humming.

“How was it?”

A bicycle passed through and Yongguk pulled on his arm gently when he noticed how close Youngjae was to the road. Youngjae tensed, aware of every movement of the older’s and found Yongguk slowing down just to change places with him.

Yongguk though, was just walking casually with a small, peaceful smile on his face.

“It was okay.” Youngjae decided to answer and tried to think of all the work he had to do and the deadlines for everything and every class.

The other gazed at him with a slight rise of eyebrows and before Youngjae could explain himself for no reason he gestured to a door and rushed to grab the handle, pulling it open. Youngjae’s cheeks were heating up for no reason now too and smiled as he went into a place smelling like cheese and tomato sauce.

“I’m guessing you rested well for the whole break you took?” Yongguk was just trying to hold a conversation, Youngjae told himself because it was a difficult topic and he didn’t know why it felt easier to just tell Yongguk everything which he had used every willpower inside himself to stop himself from doing so.

“Yeah, I rested well.” Youngjae looked down at the table when a waitress came, and Yongguk took the menu from her to hand it to Youngjae.

“I would recommend the pepperonis ones.” Yongguk murmured as he leaned over the table, the adam’s apples on his neck moving so distractingly and he smiled rather mischievously when Youngjae nodded at what he said.

When Youngjae ordered Yongguk merely ordered himself a glass of coke since he was eating whatever pizza Youngjae asked for.

“So,” Youngjae let out an exhale and Yongguk looked at him expectantly. “deadline’s pretty close, huh?”

He knew it was lame. People don’t talk about homeworks and assignments all the time cause it was boring and so lame Youngjae was ashamed of himself. But he truthfully didn’t know what to talk about with a person like Yongguk. He could tell him about what an idiot Daehyun could be but that would only paint himself in a bad light.

“I know. Must be feeling pretty busy after a long time not living as a student huh?” Yongguk chuckled.

“Nothing’s better than having a lot to do.” Youngjae muttered and Yongguk hummed questioningly.

“What do you mean?”

Youngjae sighed, he didn’t know what he was saying and he had a headache from everything. “Um, I guess I just like staying busy.”

“You’re saying that you would prefer being busy rather than have a relaxing day and doing nothing?”

“I’ve had too much of that already.” Youngjae offered a smile and Yongguk pursed his full lips. The way Yongguk was looking at him felt like he was being scrutinized in detail, like a biographical book read by a fanatic reader and he didn’t want to be an open book.

“Tell me, why did you take a semester of leave?” Yongguk asked after they were served their drinks. Yongguk had thanked the waiter warmly Youngjae felt rude not doing the same thing.

“Personal thing.” Youngjae waved a hand in the air and somehow Yongguk furrowed his eyebrows and he saw right through Youngjae, Youngjae knew it because Yongguk was actually an open book himself. His expression showed he knew Youngjae was avoiding the real thing.

“Okay then.” Yongguk smiled softly despite knowing how Youngjae wasn’t letting the conversation go any further and they were silent as the pizza came and Youngjae’s whirling mind was blank for once, he didn’t know whether he should talk, what to talk about and he didn’t want Yongguk to interpret the silence as an awkward one.

“I mourned for the whole semester.” Youngjae blurted after his second piece and Yongguk was staring at him, surprised with cheese in his mouth and a half eaten pizza in his hand.

The older put down his food onto his plate and wiped his hand with a napkin as he chewed. He took a sip of his fizzy coke and finally spoke as Youngjae watched every movement of his. “I’m sorry, I didn’t know.”

“It’s okay.” Youngjae found himself chuckling at the way Yongguk was so taken aback by his confession. “I think I needed to let it out too.”

Yongguk didn’t say anything, didn’t do anything.

“It just feels like if I don’t say it, then I’m denying what I had been doing for the past months.”

Youngjae swallowed a lump in his throat and laughed.

“Hey, it has passed.” It was just the look on Yongguk’s face was so endearingly sad and warm Youngjae didn’t know what to make of it. Maybe because even if he stopped explaining himself Yongguk could already read him really well.

Yongguk still didn’t say anything and Youngjae couldn’t eat, he found himself putting down his piece of pizza too and somehow it fell on the plate because his hand was trembling because months of not talking about it had built up in him. Not even Daehyun knew of what he had stored inside himself, he just needed to stop stopping, he needed to get moving he needed all those headaches he didn’t want everything to still—

“It was my grandmother.”

Yongguk’s warm hand came onto his to envelop it securely. “I’m sorry for your loss.”

Youngjae’s hand was still but he wanted it to tremble, wished it would under Yongguk’s, too still felt like there was nothing happening, like time was stopping.

“I’m sorry I shouldn’t have…” Youngjae shook his head, he was so unlike himself when he was with Yongguk he couldn’t stand it.

“I lost my grandfather and had a hard time too.” Yongguk said and a sad smile flashed across his lips.

“They just leave too soon.”

“At any age, everything just feels too soon.” Yongguk sighed and brushed his thumb once against Youngjae before pulling away his hand.

“I grew up with her.”

“I grew up with him too.”

They both chuckled and Yongguk tilted his head, and he seemed to understand everything without Youngjae having to explain it. Maybe it was just because they went through the same thing.

“I just, couldn’t do anything after the funeral and I didn’t know why.”

He scratched his head and Yongguk nodded, resumed eating.

“Stayed in bed? Thought about how it was back then?” Yongguk murmured under the sound of chattering around them.

Youngjae looked at Yongguk and felt his eyes watering at the words. “Yeah I did.”

During those times, Youngjae had found himself unable to do anything. It felt like he lost memory of every control he had over himself and he been reduced into a hollow body. He had come from the city on a train he had urgently bought the ticket for, and when he went to his grandparent’s house everything just seemed too still.

Back there, time didn’t seem to move at all, the clouds still in the sky, the yard he used to play in so devastatingly void of everything despite the persimmon tree and the shovel, a pile of dirt that had grown green since he last seen it.

He couldn’t even think of going back to the city, not when time seemed to be so still in his hometown and the way everything moved so quickly in the city.

The timeless world he had been in during his stay at his hometown rendered him completely helpless.

He was alone with his thoughts. Memories. The haunting memories in the past though they were warm and sweet only tugged at his heart like a one sided tug war.

He missed the woman who raised him for those many years he had lived, and it turned him into a ghost, who couldn’t really accept the fact that everything passed and how she did too.

In his absence.

Yongguk talked about how he and his grandfather were close. His words resonated so well through Youngjae it was relieving in a way, and the way Yongguk was able to smile as he talked about it soothed him.

One day he could be like Yongguk, think about his grandmother and smile.

“I’m rambling.” Yongguk laughed at himself rather timidly, the pizza finished already and his coke half empty in the glass.

“No, no.” Youngjae shook his head. “Listening about your grandfather helps, in some way.”

Yongguk was raised by his grandparent, like Youngjae too. They knew how it felt like to have that one person to depend on when their parents weren’t available always.

When they walked out of the restaurant, Youngjae managing to chip in for the payment because he didn’t want Yongguk to pay for it all, Yongguk looked at him with a soft gaze under the street lights and lightly brushed their hands together.

Whether it was accidental or not Youngjae wasn’t sure.

“Hey, I can walk you home.” Yongguk offered. “Where do you live?”

Youngjae chuckled. “It’s okay, it’s not like I can’t manage.”

Yongguk pursed his lips and nodded.

“I’ll see you in class.” Youngjae said and waved.

They parted ways, and Youngjae was glad to be granted the walk home alone. When he arrived at Jongup’s apartment Jongup had just finished eating his own dinner of instant noodles and Youngjae dragged him to play video games with him.

He didn’t want to think about his hometown at all. Not the persimmon tree. Not the woman he loved so much.

And Jongup had to cover his ears, laughing, when Youngjae screamed because he won a match against Jongup.

 

 

 

After their conversation over pizza that day, Youngjae felt something shifting between him and Yongguk. Like there was an unspoken connection between them, a mutual understanding of each other and Yongguk seemed to sense it too, from the way he smiled at Youngjae and sat beside him in class, striking a casual, light hearted conversation always and smiling and smiling Youngjae just couldn’t keep still.

“Hey I have that movie.” Yongguk said when they talked about movies they watched and wanted to watch. “I downloaded it not long ago and never had the chance to watch it.”

Youngjae raised an eyebrow.

“Will you watch it with me?” Yongguk asked, smiling rather expectantly that Youngjae’s heart palpitated and he had to regain himself.

“Sure.”

“My place then.”

Youngjae nodded, comfortable.

Yongguk’s shoulder was against his and it was nice.

 

 

 

And Youngjae found himself in front of the same blue door he had stood at a week ago. He was a bit too early when he checked at his watch, but then it was only because he had gotten ready early in case he missed the bus and traffic problems, but nevertheless he was a little bit too early but he didn’t care and knew Yongguk wouldn’t care too.

He knocked on the door and there was no answer.

When he knocked again still, no one answered.

He tried the doorknob and surprisingly it wasn’t locked so he pushed it open, the familiar living room coming in sight and he stepped in quietly.

No one seemed to be in the apartment as he looked around.

“Hello?” He said and almost jumped when Junhong appeared, head popping up from the couch.

“Oh,” Junhong had his mouth in a round shape and Youngjae was about to say a friendly greeting when he noticed the situation he had walked in to. “Shit.”

Daehyun appeared next from the couch and Youngjae cursed when the two scrambled to cover themselves.

“What the fuck, why didn’t you knock?” Daehyun yelled, buttoning the shirt he was wearing and fumbling with his own belts.

Junhong laughed when Youngjae covered his eyes with his hands in disgust, turning away and yelling.

“I did, you fucking shit!”

He could hear zippers being pulled up and grimaced when Junhong said he could help Daehyun with that.

“Knock harder!”

“This is a living room Daehyun, why are you two doing it here in the first place?!”

Junhong laughed again and when Youngjae opened his eyes Junhong was barely covering himself with a pillow he took from the couch and Youngjae shook his head, covering his eyes again.

“Come on Junhong, go get your clothes in the room.”

When he heard them scurrying into Daehyun’s room Youngjae shuddered with horror, still couldn’t believe what he had walked in to.

“Oh, Youngjae, you’re here early.” Yongguk had walked out of his room, looking alarmed, probably because he heard the commotion earlier.

Youngjae looked at him and the change of sight and person was such a beautiful feeling he almost sighed in adoration. Yongguk was so on another level from Daehyun he couldn’t help but blush a bit when Yongguk smiled at him.

“I got us groceries!” Someone yelled from the entrance and when Youngjae turned it was Himchan with bags in his hands and a piece of bagel in his mouth.

Youngjae quickly took a bag from his hands and Yongguk too, Himchan smiled appreciatively at Youngjae and winked at Yongguk as they set the bags onto the kitchen counter.

“I heard yelling, did Daehyun do something, Youngjae?” Yongguk asked as he took out the vegetables from the paper bag and handing them to Himchan who started to arrange them in the fridge. Youngjae face palmed himself mentally because he couldn’t believed he yelled in Yongguk’s apartment and that was embarrassing.

“They walked in on us.” It was Junhong who answered, smiling like he wasn’t even embarrassed and it hit Youngjae that he wasn’t and instead was unbelievably giddy.

“Youngjae didn’t knock!” Daehyun yelled, walking into the kitchen and Yongguk smiled amusedly at Youngjae.

Youngjae blushed when Yongguk murmured, “Welcome to my life.”

“Why were you guys fucking in the living room?” Himchan asked, placing a hand on his hip and looking sick of the shameless pair.

Junhong shrugged, pursing his lips and Daehyun sighed.

“The bedroom was just—”

“Oh my god, place a goddamn sock on the door then!” Youngjae cut off and immediately shut his mouth when he remembered Yongguk was present.

“Why are you here anyway?” Daehyun said, frowning as he crossed his arms.

Youngjae felt Yongguk standing closer to him, the warmth of his body present beside Youngjae. “I invited him over to hang out.”

Daehyun raised his eyebrows and shot a knowing look at Youngjae. “Oh, are you guys gonna play video games? Youngjae gets a little crazy when—”

“We’re just gonna watch a movie.” Youngjae said with his teeth gritted and Daehyun laughed. He glared at the other and hoped he knew what Youngjae could do to him if he spoke another word.

“We’ll take the living room today if it’s okay.” Yongguk said and turned to Himchan who shrugged.

“You mean the couch Daehyun and Junhong just…” Youngjae winced at the thought.

Junhong giggled and Daehyun’s arm went around his waist.

Yongguk creased his forehead rather worriedly.

“Okay, obviously Youngjae is not comfortable at the thought of sitting where you two just…” Himchan made gestures with his hands. “So mind telling him where to avoid?”

“Oh, sit _anywhere_ you want.” Junhong spoke up and Youngjae looked at him suspiciously.

“I’ll just… take the ottoman.” Youngjae said slowly and looked at Yongguk who was staring at the two.

Yongguk looked so done with the pair as he sighed.

“Where haven’t you had sex?” Yongguk asked.

Junhong laughed as an answer, walking to the fridge to find himself a drink and Himchan handed him a bottle of mineral water.

“The other couch?” Yongguk asked and Daehyun shrugged mischievously Youngjae felt like hitting him in the head.

“The coffee table?” Himchan narrowed his eyes and Junhong laughed again, gulping down the water.

“Okay, well most of the places.” Daehyun smiled slyly and the others instinctively distanced themselves from the kitchen counter.

“God damn it people eat on the dining table, Daehyun!” Himchan yelled in disbelief and Daehyun roared in laughter, wrapping and arm around Junhong.

Yongguk sighed and Youngjae felt Yongguk slightly pulling on his shirt to get his attention. “Well, my room then.”

Yongguk led the way to his room and when Youngjae heard Daehyun whooping he turned and gave him a middle finger. Himchan smiled amusedly while Junhong stifled his laughter.

When Yongguk closed the door behind him Youngjae already felt so much at ease.

“I hope my computer’s fine for you.” Yongguk said rather apologetically and Youngjae shook his head.

“It’s fine.”

Yongguk took his computer and sat on his bed, gesturing for Youngjae to follow. Youngjae, realizing that he was about to sit really close to Yongguk on his bed had to take a subtle deep breath before sitting on the bed stiffly.

It didn’t help his heated up cheeks that Yongguk scooted closer once he sat on the bed and Youngjae focused on not focusing on how their arms were touching.

After half an hour into the movie though, Youngjae was already too comfortable to even notice the little things like how he could feel Yongguk’s hair in his and how the older’s low rumbling laugh resonated into him from their proximity.

When the movie ended and the songs on the credit played Yongguk turned to look at Youngjae and Youngjae found themselves a little too close than he had remembered before watching the movie.

“How was it?” Yongguk had smiled softly and Youngjae couldn’t help but glance at his lips.

“Oh.” Youngjae looked away, rubbing his eyes. “It was good, great, I mean. Awesome.”

Yongguk chuckled and when Youngjae looked at him again the older was looking at his lips and as an immediate reaction he had slumped down the bed, pretending like he was staring at the ceiling now.

“Hey, about the other day.” Yongguk started and he looked down at Youngjae who was lying on the bed, being so still as he stared up at the older with eyes that seemed to shimmer because the older was so good looking how could it be?

“Yeah?”

“I can’t help but feel like I pried something out of you, that you felt like you had to tell me everything so I can finally stop asking you about it.”

Youngjae raised his eyebrows, and no, it wasn’t true at all, all those things Yongguk said. He had been reluctant at first, but when he had finally let it out he hadn’t felt so relieved.

“No, no, not at all.” He murmured. “I told you, I had to let it out either way.”

“I’m sorry, it was a personal thing.”

“Hey, you told me about your grandpa didn’t you?” Youngjae pushed himself onto his elbows and Yongguk looked at him tenderly. “It was a fair trade.”

Yongguk chuckled, looking down between them. “You wanna go somewhere else?”

Youngjae clenched his fists, tilting his head. “Where?”

The older raised his eyebrows still smiling and Youngjae knew he wasn’t going to tell him anytime soon. He was free for the rest of the day and almost all weekend because he was a loner, Jongup watched anime in all his free time and a certain friend was always with his partner doing something dirty and maybe he should take Yongguk’s offer because he was curious.

“Okay then.” Youngjae nodded and Yongguk got off the bed, and the space he left beside Youngjae felt so empty and void of everything Youngjae was tempted to call him back.

Yongguk took his own coat and handed Youngjae his.

“Are you not going to tell me where we’re going?”

Yongguk pressed his lips together as if in deep thought and shook his head. The younger chuckled, accepting the hand that was offered to him gladly to help him get up. And Yongguk led him out of the room.

“Hey, where are you two going?” Daehyun asked from the couch, eating chips noisily with Junhong lying on his lap and long legs dangling over the armrest.

“We’re just going to grab something to eat.”

Daehyun raised his eyebrows and looked at Youngjae. “Really? Can we come? We haven’t had lunch.”

Youngjae felt like giving his dumb friend a flying kick on the couch but Yongguk took charge.

“We don’t need your noisy mouth over meal.” Yongguk said, chuckling and pulling Youngjae’s hand to lead him out.

Daehyun looked at Youngjae as the other passed him and mouthed, “What is up?”

Youngjae shook his head, shooting him a threatening glare that meant “What are you talking about, we’re just hanging out, it’s nothing.”

Junhong chuckled looking at the two as if he understood their wordless communication and Youngjae offered the kid a smile before walking out.

 

 

 

Yongguk’s steps were excited on the street and Youngjae had to catch up. When they went to a fast food restaurant Yongguk ordered food for on the go which had the younger looking at him curiously and Yongguk had the look on his face that said ‘Trust me, I know what I’m doing’.

When Yongguk led him to a train station Youngjae already knew what they were up to, they were going somewhere pretty far away and he didn’t say anything when Yongguk handed him his ticket.

“Since we’re already at the train station and stopping at…” Youngjae looked at the destination on the ticket and furrowed his eyebrows. It was a place he had never been to before. “Where’s this?”

Yongguk shrugged. “We’re in for an adventure, come on.”

Yongguk slightly pulled at his arm when the train arrived, and led Youngjae to their seats, letting the younger have the seat by the window.

“Any guesses?” Yongguk asked, unwrapping his hamburger as they felt the train moved, the air chilly inside there and Youngjae was chewing the French fries in his mouth as he thought.

“The beach?” He raised his eyebrows and when Yongguk made a thinking face and shook his head he laughed, looking out the window where they passed some green trees and places. The things outside seemed to be left behind as the train moved, and Youngjae felt anticipation building up in him.

“Pretty close.” Yongguk said and instead handed the hamburger he had unwrapped to Youngjae.

Youngjae hummed and they ate in the train, the time passing in the background as Yongguk joked about things and told him of the time he got on the wrong train for an interview, whatever interview it was, and Youngjae wondered how the past Yongguk was like. When Yongguk asked him about his high school life he didn’t know why he told him about the day he and Daehyun gave their teacher a flat tyre but Yongguk laughed and Youngjae still felt stupid about sharing it but Yongguk didn’t seem like one to judge.

They made fun of Daehyun because everyone loved to make fun of him and Yongguk talked about how Daehyun was so flustered when he realized he just had brunch with a person he was supposed to only hook up with and they were only laughing at him because they actually all had no idea what they were getting into. Until everyday became a living hell because Daehyun and Junhong weren’t exactly the quiet type in the room.

When the train stopped and their conversation had everything but died down, Yongguk led him out of the train and Youngjae looked around at the unfamiliar station.

They walked out of the station quietly, passing by an old man in green jacket which Yongguk greeted politely and the grasses were greener there, the breeze different and a nice change of scenery for Youngjae since the city felt suffocating.

When the ocean came in sight, Youngjae had turned to Yongguk who was smiling at him.

“Pretty close, I said.” Yongguk chuckled and Youngjae smiled amusedly, the two of them walking to the pier with seagulls squawking in the sky and the sun was already preparing to set.

It reminded Youngjae of his hometown, how everything there felt so peaceful, the empty roads, the green grass and purple flowers lining up and dancing in the breeze.

It reminded him of his grandmother and it hurt for a second, but Yongguk placed a warm hand on his arm briefly and squeezed.

“It’s gonna get dark and we’re not there yet.” He said in a low voice, black hair messy under the swirling orange sky and Youngjae nodded, let the older lead him to where they were going and appreciating the way Yongguk walked close to him. He was warm, and their steps matched and Youngjae liked it.

The quiet walk made Youngjae calm, street lights lighting up under the darkening sky and the sound of the waves becoming distant as they walked and walked.

And finally, when Yongguk turned around to gaze at the other tenderly, Youngjae realized where they were.

“Welcome to my home.” Yongguk said, smiling softly and pushing the old wooden gate open.

Youngjae’s face turned into one painted with awe as he took in the sight of the traditional house, marvellous despite its apparent age, but empty and dark as they walked to it.

“It’s empty since grandpa and grandma left.” Yongguk explained, flipping a switch on and something hummed throughout the house, before he flipped another switch and the main light came on.

Youngjae took off his shoes and walked into the living room, straw mat on the floor and Yongguk kneeling down at the fireplace.

“It can get chilly here so let me just get the fire started.”

“Hey, I can help.”

Yongguk looked at him and took a deep breath. “It’s okay.”

Youngjae watched him pushing open a sliding door and scurrying around, and the place was warm in no time, Yongguk then sitting down beside Youngjae.

“So this is where you used to live?” Youngjae asked, looking at the stars that were now visible in the night sky.

Yongguk nodded silently. “Back then,” He pointed to the front yard that was in front of them. “I would play soccer there, with my grandpa and my twin brother.”

“You have a twin?”

Yongguk chuckled. “Yeah.”

The thought of two person like Yongguk made Youngjae somehow lightheaded.

“My grandpa and my dad were in the marines.” He said, leaning on his hands and the way he smiled as he said it showed that he was proud of it. He laughed at himself a bit. “I’m sorry, it’s just that when I get here I think about the days back then a lot.”

“Do you go here a lot?”

“Yes. I love spending my weekend here.” Yongguk said. “It’s peaceful around here, and reminds me of the days when I was growing up with my grandpa.”

Youngjae wanted to ask how did he do it, come back there and not crumble. Come back again and smile.

“Are you hungry? I’ll cook us ramyeon.”

Yongguk stood up, and Youngjae who wanted to help followed him into the old kitchen, where Yongguk took out a gold pot, clearly it was used a lot and often.

He took packets of instant noodles and Youngjae noticed that Yongguk indeed returned there often. There was food in the cupboard, mostly instant food and the utensils were clean, not a single speck of dust on it.

When the water boiled and the noodles were cooked, Yongguk asked Youngjae help carry it to the living room as he took bottles of water in his hand.

They ate in the living room, in the big, old house just the two of them. And the night wasn’t particularly silent, somehow Youngjae could still hear the distant waves of the ocean and the bugs were buzzing somewhere out there, the stars twinkling.

Yongguk finished his food quicker, and watched with a small smile as Youngjae finished his, the hot broth running down his throat and the spiciness lingered on his lips as Youngjae thanked him for the meal.

“What do you usually do when you come back here?” Youngjae asked when they were putting away the pot and chopsticks.

Yongguk shrugged. “Sometimes I clean the house, pull some weeds in the yard.”

Youngjae smiled to himself, thinking of how it would have been had Yongguk gone there by himself.

“Most of the time, I lay in the living room until I fall asleep.”

And they lay in the living room, on the floor.

“With music.” Yongguk had smiled happily.

The record played let music resonate through the place and Yongguk explained he had bought the player in the city, brought it there with all his records and always spend time listening to them in the night, all alone in the house he once lived in.

It was jazz music, Youngjae never really listened to jazz but Yongguk’s collection was really nice, soothing as they talked on the wooden floor, Youngjae scratching the straw mat they were on as Yongguk told him that his sister and his twin brother came back to that place too, at their own time.

Youngjae realized how everything seemed so still there, in the place where Yongguk had lived as a child, and somewhere inside him clenched and it hurt because it felt like his hometown and he remembered the helplessness of losing his grandmother.

“How do you do this?” Youngjae finally asked, and he was staring at the ceiling.

“What?” Yongguk asked rather confusedly.

Youngjae took a deep breath. “How do you come back here and not crumble?”

And it was not a surprise to Youngjae how his eyes watered when Yongguk looked at him understandingly, soft gaze mirroring the sadness Youngjae had accumulating in him.

“It takes time.” Yongguk whispered. “I thought I wouldn’t be able to, but when I did come back here, everything felt fine.”

Yongguk’s gaze showed empathy for all the still sadness in Youngjae and he smiled slightly at the younger.

 “I think that’s what makes up grieving, you accept things at the end.”

The way Yongguk said it, sounded so easy, and it rendered Youngjae breathless at the thought that Yongguk had gone through the same thing he did, and survived. But Youngjae was in his constant whirling of his own world, and when it got a little too still at all the thoughts of the past he had left behind and the person he lost he felt himself a little too overwhelmed again.

“I don’t think I would ever feel the same way.” Youngjae’s voice shook and he hated himself at the moment, hated Yongguk who was strong and wise, hated himself for what he did and for what he felt.

Youngjae’s grandmother was a gentle woman. Who smiled despite everything and had soft hands that held onto Youngjae ever since he was a kid. His grandmother had the nicest laughter and the brightest eyes, white hair nothing but the proof of how wise she could be. She had understood Youngjae in most situations and was the only one who understood him well.

And she understood when Youngjae left her for the city and never called. She would smile over the phone when she got through to her busy grandchild and told him to take care of himself and to come back to their house whenever he pleased. She could cook him his favorite meal and Youngjae could give her massages as they watch the tv.

She called once to ask him whether he was coming back for thanksgiving but Youngjae apologized and told her he had examinations. She understood and wished him well, and Youngjae spent her last thanksgiving without her. He thought about returning for the nearest public holiday instead.

But when Youngjae finally returned he was in a hurry, ticket of the train was bought hastily and messy thoughts and messy mind after a phone call from his mother that he should come back at least for the funeral.

Youngjae’s grandmother was gentle woman, who smiled even in death and soft hands that still fit with Youngjae’s even after she wasn’t really there. Her laughter echoed even on the nicest days when Youngjae was alone in the old house he once lived in, deciding to leave everything in the city and stay there where he felt understood in his loneliness because his grandmother was no longer there.

Time had stood still and Youngjae no longer wanted to move, he had enough of it in the city, in the busy, busy city where a phone call was too much to do, a conversation kept short and brief as possible. He had headaches from the constant hectic movement in the city but the stillness of hometown reminded him of his grandmother and her only.

And Youngjae was crying on the floor, words and regrets spilling like never before, fists clenched because he was angry at himself and he told himself over and over how the woman he loved had passed in the absence of the person she longed to return.

At the stillness of everything at the moment, all that hurt and pained caught up to Youngjae in a single swift wave of emotion.

Yongguk said nothing but held him tightly under the soft sound of piano and trumpet.

 

 

 

_If things don't slow down soon we might not last.  
So just for the moment, let's be still._

 


	2. Chapter 2

_The world's not forgiving  
Of everyone's fears_

 

 

 

 

The first thing Youngjae saw in the morning was Yongguk’s closed eyes.

It was quite chilly in the morning, the music must have stopped when they fell asleep. His eyes felt puffy as he rubbed at them, his sight getting clearer and the morning sun was behind Yongguk, the trees by the fences swaying and birds chirping.

The way Yongguk lay shielded him from the bright morning sun and Youngjae couldn’t really help but hesitate to leave the warmth and comfort Yongguk provided.

It took gentle holds to untangle Yongguk’s arm that stayed around him, him scolding himself because it was crazy, he would never have thought they would fall asleep on the floor, together side by side with Yongguk holding onto him like they had known each other for years.

The way Yongguk scrunched his nose in his sleep and slightly shivered made Youngjae’s inside warm up, taking off his own cardigan slowly and carefully covering the older with it, careful not to wake him.

Youngjae sat on the floor for a few moments, just staring at the older sleep before he stretched his arms and decided to boil some water for morning tea or coffee, or whatever Yongguk had in the kitchen cupboard.

Once the kettle was on the stove and the water was heating up, Youngjae washed his face with cold water, goose bumps running up his arms from the contact and he walked into the living room again to find Yongguk still asleep.

The tone arm on the record player was raised, the record spinning silently in the morning air.

That was when his phone’s vibration seemed to just blare in the silence, him scrambling to take it from the table where he last placed it and quickly answering the call without looking at the caller name.

He glanced at Yongguk who was still sleeping timidly and sat at the ledge of the living room. His toes playing with his own shoelaces.

“Hello?”

“Holy shit Youngjae! Why didn’t you answer my text?”

It was Daehyun and Youngjae didn’t appreciate his loud voice in the morning.

“I left you hundreds of messages and called you, how can you do this to me?!”

“What do you want?” He sighed, slightly putting distance between his ear and the phone.

“You won’t believe what happened last night.” Daehyun started rambling and Youngjae shut his eyes tightly, his headache coming back with Daehyun’s loud voice booming into his ear. “Ugh, I am so mad at Junhong!” Daehyun groaned. “How can he do this to me, Youngjae?”

Youngjae rolled his eyes, Daehyun could be too dramatic sometimes.

“We were at the party last night,”

And Youngjae felt hands on his shoulders, him tensing almost immediately, frozen when he realized it was Yongguk and finding his own cardigan wrapped around his shoulders. Yongguk’s palms were warm in the morning, so was his gaze as he mouthed thank you to Youngjae before lazily shuffling into the kitchen where the kettle was screeching already.

“Daehyun, I gotta go.”

“What?” Daehyun whined. “Youngjae, where are you anyway? Jongup told me you didn’t come back—wait, _are you with Yongguk_?”

Youngjae felt his eyes widening and heart racing at the way Daehyun phrased the question in a tone that could only signify it was an unbelievable thing.

“I’m hanging up on you.” He blurted and Daehyun was shouting through the line as he hung up.

In a way, it was. It was an unbelievable thing Youngjae could hardly believe he was actually there out of the city with Yongguk and his messy black hair and nice fingers.

Yongguk came just in time with two steaming mugs of tea, handing it to Youngjae carefully and the younger thanked him timidly.

“We can freshen up after and I’ll take you to one final place before we head to the station?” Yongguk asked as he took a sip of his tea, eyebrows rising.

Youngjae’s gaze followed the steam rising in the morning light and Yongguk was a stunning sight in the morning despite just waking up.

Youngjae nodded, because after what they talked about last night, which was a very personal thing to Youngjae had only been so intimate and he wasn’t used to it. Daehyun and him rarely got intimate in the things they talked about, and it was weird how easily he could spill things for Yongguk.

Yongguk smiled at him when he noticed Youngjae staring and Youngjae returned the smile halfheartedly, feeling his stomach sunk at the thought of how hard he was crushing on Yongguk.

After they freshened up, Yongguk cleaned things up in the house and Youngjae helped him sweep the floor of the living room before they put on their shoes and left the house. It was noon as they walked silently by the road, the place looking different in the day compared to the night before.

Youngjae picture the older walking by the road alone on his own trips there, and wondered how he had ended up with Yongguk there.

They walked up a hill, and through the barren field of green grass he had looked at from the distance he found it was where Yongguk’s grandparents were buried. Side by side near an old tree that must had been older than the two pair visiting the place.

“Hey, grandma, hey, grandpa.” Yongguk greeted and what Youngjae saw on his face was a peaceful smile, eyes squinted under the dimming sun and gaze so soft and accepting he was jealous of the older. “I brought a friend this time.”

“Hello, Yongguk’s grandma and grandpa.” Youngjae said, somehow timid and Yongguk chuckled, standing close to him as they stared at the two lumps on the ground that housed the two person Yongguk loves, the people who raised the young man right there beside Youngjae and turned him into what he was.

“I missed you.” Yongguk said and bent down to pull out a weed. Youngjae watched his back, hunched and humble in front of the people he loved and Youngjae felt himself melting.

How many times had Yongguk gone there by himself? And what had he talked about?

“I’ll come by again.”

The walk down the hill was quiet and Youngjae knew Yongguk was thinking, and so was he. He wondered how Yongguk had walked down the hill alone, how long he stayed, how he felt leaving the place.

“Sometimes,” Yongguk suddenly said and he had Youngjae’s attention almost immediately. “My grandpa and I would go to the beach and sail on a boat.”

Youngjae looked at the emerging sight of the sea beside them, the breeze cool and salty. Yongguk was smiling subtly and Youngjae let him hold his hand gently as they walked.

Yongguk’s long fingers only encased his hand completely, only firm and very warm. Youngjae didn’t know what to do with his own fingers, whether to squeeze the older’s hand, or merely hold it. But he wrapped his fingers around Yongguk’s carefully and they fit, and he earned a soft smile from Yongguk when their eyes met as they walked.

“Oh no, is it raining?” Youngjae looked up at the sky at the feeling of a raindrop hitting his forehead. And the sky was grey. “It is!” He stated and Yongguk laughed as he quickened his steps, pulling Youngjae along with him. “But the station is far away!” Youngjae exclaimed as the raindrops falling picked up their pace and so did they, and Yongguk’s grey sweater was dotted with the drops and before he knew it they were seeking shelter under a roof of a shop they passed by.

“What a bad timing.” Yongguk said, looking up at the rain as he let go of Youngjae’s hand slowly to rub his sleeves. His slightly furrowed eyebrows and frowning lips under the now grey sky made Youngjae pout unconsciously.

Youngjae shrugged when Yongguk turned and looked at him; he really didn’t care that it rained.

Yongguk turned to the door behind them, an amused look on his face and then he was sliding the glass door open. Youngjae couldn’t see inside as the door was filled with old posters of old musicians sticking onto it from the inside.

Yongguk sent a greeting inside, and from his tone and the way he stepped in casually Youngjae assumed he went there a lot.

“Ah, Yongguk, what brought you here?” Youngjae heard an old voice exclaim happily from the inside and followed Yongguk.

What were inside were shelves stacked with records, there was the smell of old music, and Youngjae was in awe at such store that must have opened before the day he was born. At the counter was an old man smiling, and Yongguk approached him, friendly.

“It’s raining outside and I thought I could seek shelter.” Yongguk said with a smile in his voice, leaning an arm on the counter.

“Oh, nice to see you back here. Looking for some records while you’re here?”

Yongguk shrugged, looking around and Youngjae was at a corner looking at some old records of old bands from the 80s.

“Any Miles Davis?” Yongguk asked, running a hand through his hair.

The old man smiled a wrinkled one and leaned closer. “I thought you had all of them?”

Yongguk chuckled. “For my friend right there.”

The old man fixed his old glasses on his nose and looked at Youngjae, slightly smiling. “I have them. Want to choose which one?”

Yongguk nodded and the old man walked to a shelf, looking through some records. Youngjae caught Yongguk looking at him as the older waited by the counter and smiled, embarrassed because he never bought records before and there were so many musicians that he apparently never knew in the shop.

“My wife made some steamed buns.” The old man said once he returned to the counter and he placed a few records on the counter. Yongguk looked at them and pointed at one silently and the old man was wrapping the record nicely as Yongguk paid. “Have some.”

“My favorite.” Yongguk grinned and the old man chuckled, walking into the room in the back and emerging with a plate of hot steamed buns.

“Are you staying here for the night?” The old man asked and Yongguk shook his head, telling him he had stayed the night before and was on his way to the station. “Hey, take an umbrella. I have them by the entrance.”

Yongguk thanked him and Youngjae was at the door looking at a poster of a female singer as Yongguk hurried to him with a steam bun in one hand.

“Thanks uncle!” Yongguk said from the door, taking an umbrella and Youngjae waved at the waving old man by the counter as they stepped outside into the rain again.

Yongguk broke the bun into two pieces, handing one to Youngjae who beamed, because the bun was warm in his hand. His own fingers fit with the indentations of Yongguk’s fingers left on the soft surface of the bun. Yongguk opened the umbrella and they were walking in the rain, munching on the food they were given.

“What’s that?” Youngjae asked, noticing the record Yongguk had under his arm as he was holding onto the umbrella.

“Oh, it’s for you.” Yongguk handed him the record and Youngjae gasped, flattered.

“Really?” His eyes gleamed at the record and Yongguk smiled happily. He looked up at the older and Yongguk’s eyes were boring into his. “I don’t have a record player though.”

“Oh.” Yongguk nodded slowly. But then the smile returned on his face. “You can always come here to listen to it.”

Youngjae scoffed and then chuckled.

Yongguk held his hand. Satisfied.

 

 

 

They slept on the train. Yongguk head lolled to the side and ended up on Youngjae’s shoulder. He leaned into Yongguk himself and they both slept the whole way back, fingers interlaced on the younger’s lap.

 

 

 

The first thing Youngjae did after he returned to the city was meet up with Daehyun because Daehyun said he had something urgent to say. Which was relayed in strings of emojis of what seemed to be a house building and two males and some other random stuff that Youngjae just didn't get. So he rushed to the café Daehyun had hastily texted to him with a typo, after saying a hearty goodbye to Yongguk and changing his clothes of course.

“I just don’t get it.” Daehyun said, hands in his hair as he slumped on the table and Youngjae didn’t get why Daehyun was overreacting.

“The only thing I don’t get is your usage of emoji to talk.” Youngjae said, looking at his phone and putting it down again before he could smile at the incoming messages from Yongguk.

“Hey, it’s the era of emojis, we talk in emojis now.” Daehyun frowned and Youngjae made a confused look before he slumped in his seat, all miserable again. The only thing he could talk about since they went to the café was Junhong and Junhong and Junhong. “Junhong went to that guy and flirted with him. I was there! He knew I was there!”

Youngjae sighed. “Well are you sure it wasn’t just a friendly conversation?”

“He brushed the bastard’s arm!” Daehyun retorted, eyes wide and helpless in his dismay. “That’s what he did to me!”

“Daehyun, what did you do then?”

Daehyun frowned, crossing his arms under his chin and pouting. “I was too upset to do anything.”

Youngjae chuckled. “Hey, what was your relationship with Junhong in the first place? Are you sure he’s not in the place to flirt with anyone he wants with your knowledge?”

“Youngjae! We had sex everyday, all the time!”

Youngjae shook his head when the heads in the café turned to their direction.

“He literally lived with me for the past weeks! We’re in a relationship! Youngjae!”

Youngjae patted his head to make him lower his voice and Daehyun swatted his hand away angrily. Youngjae made a move to hit his head but decided to only glare at his friend.

“Do you see it as a serious relationship, then?”

“As I said, we had—!” His mouth was shut with Youngjae’s hand and he angrily punched in the air, his words not coming through.

“What tells you that Junhong doesn’t see everything you did together as just casual sex? With a partner he is in no way seriously involved in a relationship at all?”

The brunette’s arm stopped flailing and fell dejectedly onto the table. And when his eyes showed realization and defeat Youngjae removed his hand.

“But…” Daehyun pouted, eyes watering. “I thought it was something else.”

“Did you two ever agree it was something else?” Youngjae sighed.

“He would have felt it.”

Youngjae rolled his eyes. Sometimes in Daehyun’s ego he failed to look in another person’s perspective and Youngjae knew he had to straighten him up and make him understand all the time. What would Daehyun do without him?

“Then go ask.”

“But, but what if he doesn’t feel the same way?” And Daehyun suddenly seemed really sad Youngjae had to sigh.

“Please, Daehyun, no buts! Not until you ask him yourself! Ugh, you can be so full of yourself you know that? Junhong has his own opinions on things too okay?”

Daehyun looked down at the table, thinking and looking scolded. “What if he slept with that man he flirted with?”

“He slept with you all these time didn’t he? What difference would a random dude make?”

“Hey,” Daehyun pointed at him, serious and lips pursed. “A lot, okay?”

Youngjae shook his head, chuckling. “I was kidding. But go make sure. If he feels the same way then I’m sure he wouldn’t sleep with that dude.”

Daehyun let out a very long sigh.

Youngjae smiled, even in Daehyun’s idiocy, he could be so sincere it was almost admirable. Almost. Youngjae had always been impressed with that quality Daehyun possessed, it struck him how Daehyun could be sensitive despite his insensitivity shown through his actions sometimes.

“Stop smiling Youngjae, it’s insulting.”

 

 

 

Yongguk filled the empty seat beside Youngjae in every class they had together, always smiling casually and Youngjae liked how comfortable he was around the older now. They joked around during class when their attention span had been spent and Youngjae liked the way Yongguk held in his laughter in order to remain quiet, grinning and giving Youngjae some witty reply to his jokes.

“Hey, come by would you?” Yongguk said after class, standing by the door to keep it open and then holding up the strap of Youngjae’s heavy bag when it slipped off the younger’s shoulder.

“Yeah?” Youngjae put in his book into his bag and looked at Yongguk expectantly.

“Daehyun doesn’t seem to be doing well lately.” Yongguk said in a low voice and they stepped aside in the hallway to give way to the people walking by. “I don’t think he has come out of his room.”

“What?” Youngjae creased his forehead almost incredulously, it wasn’t Daehyun to act that way. “That bastard didn’t do what I told him to do.” He muttered under his breath, annoyed.

“Himchan said he didn’t eat either.”

“Well, that’s not Daehyun.” Youngjae slightly sighed, worried. “I’ll knock some sense into his head.”

Yongguk smiled softly. “He does need it sometimes.”

And they separated to go attend to their own business and Youngjae couldn’t help but worry about his friend. He didn’t know Daehyun was capable of not eating, let alone skipping a meal.

Later that day he decided to visit, Himchan welcoming him in and looking tired.

“Gosh, he’s being so dramatic.” Himchan had rolled his eyes.

Youngjae asked if he had any food to give to Daehyun and Himchan told him to heat up some hot pockets. After he did he knocked on Daehyun’s room and Daehyun didn’t answer.

When he went in the room was dark and the place smelled.

“Holy shit, Daehyun.” Youngjae covered his nose and he set the plate onto the dresser and pulling the curtains apart to let the light in. He pushed the windows open as Daehyun moaned.

“What are you doing? Let it be.” The brunette whined and when Youngjae finally turned he found his friend on the bed , curled in his blanket and looking so awful.

“What have you been doing, Daehyun? Everyone’s worried about you!” Youngjae sighed and Daehyun growled as he pulled the blanket over himself. “And why the fuck aren’t you eating?”

He sat on the bed and tried to pull the blanket off Daehyun but Daehyun held it in place. He tried again and Daehyun growled under the covers.

“There’s no reason to, Youngjae.”

Youngjae rolled his eyes, he could be miserably pathetic sometimes. “Ugh, come on.”

“No.”

“Hey I brought you hot pockets.” Youngjae took the food he prepared earlier and placed the plate on Daehyun. “Better eat it while they’re hot.”

When Daehyun suddenly sat up Youngjae had to take a hold of the plate in case the food slip and Daehyun sighed, hair messy and dark circles around his eyes.

“Is this because of Junhong?” Youngjae asked as Daehyun took one of the hot pockets and started eating. Youngjae brushed the brunette’s messy bangs when he nodded and sighed. “Did you even try to talk to him?”

“I sent him a text.”

“So?”

“He didn’t reply.”

Daehyun looked at him, glaring and he took another bite, chewing rather angrily.

“That’s too bad.” Youngjae shrugged slightly and Daehyun was on his second hot pocket. Youngjae could nag him that instead of sending texts he should have meet up with Junhong, but he didn’t know why he didn’t have the mood for it. If Daehyun was as understanding as Yongguk things wouldn’t have been that way, Youngjae found himself thinking. And he mentally slapped himself because he wasn’t supposed to think about Yongguk.

“Bet he’s having fun with the bastard he met the other day.”

“Okay, you know what, I heard they have a party this weekend? Don’t you wanna go? You know, there are other hot people out there.” Youngjae had to hold in his smile as Daehyun’s chewing slowed, he was thinking but then Daehyun snarled at him.

“Not with Junhong’s legs.”

“Junhong’s not the only one with long legs.”

“Not with how Junhong uses his legs.”

“Oh my god.”

“There’s no other Junhong! Goddamnit!”

Youngjae laughed and Daehyun looked at him defeatedly. He looked at the miserable trash personified in front of him and could only sympathize. He placed a hand on the other’s shoulder and squeezed.

“You like him don’t you?”

Daehyun groaned, and stuffed the food into his mouth and cried out. “I like him so much.”

Youngjae chuckled amusedly and ruffled his brunette hair but quickly retracted his hair when he found how oily Daehyun’s hair was. “Oh my god, ew, Daehyun you gross creature.” He grimaced as he wiped his hand on the bed sheet. “How can you be this miserable, for god’s sake!”

Daehyun looked at him and laughed sadly.

Youngjae shook his head and looked around the messy room and when he found the tissues scattered on the floor he looked at Daehyun again and Daehyun looked as miserable as a dying man.

 

 

 

“Why are you dragging me into this?” Youngjae asked the next day with one hundred percent dread filling inside him when Daehyun dragged him into his shared apartment after a visit at Jongup’s.

“Because,” Daehyun pulled him into the kitchen and let him sit by the counter. “I called Junhong here, and I don’t know what to do, he’s coming.”

“What?”

“I shouldn’t have called him, but I missed him so much and I couldn’t stand it. What do I do Youngjae?”

“Talk to him!” Youngjae hit his head and Daehyun let out a dejected cry as Youngjae rolled his eyes.

The doorbell rang and Daehyun jolted on his feet. He looked at Youngjae with a terrified expression and Youngjae sighed. Youngjae pointed at the door and the other shook his head. Youngjae gestured again, wildly at the door and Daehyun threw his hands into the air.

“The door’s not locked! Come in!”

“What the fuck are you doing?” Daehyun hissed and Youngjae shrugged as Junhong emerged at the entrance.

“Oh, hey, Youngjae.” Junhong greeted with a grin as he walked into the kitchen and Daehyun was glaring daggers at Youngjae.

Youngjae turned Daehyun to face Junhong and Daehyun was as stiff as a board. Junhong raised his eyebrows quizzically.

“Whoa,” Junhong said. “Don’t tell me you got Youngjae to join us?”

“What?” Daehyun and Youngjae both retorted but Daehyun quickly shook his head.

“No, no, no.”

 And Youngjae pulled at Daehyun’s arm to question him but Daehyun swatted his hand away and Youngjae scowled.

Junhong tilted his head. “O…kay? So, are we just gonna stand here or?”

“I didn’t call you for sex.”

Youngjae who realized they were going to start talking things out stood from his seat but Daehyun pushed him back into his seat and even Junhong was surprised.

“Stay there, Youngjae. I need you for this.”

“What for?” Youngjae asked incredulously but Daehyun ignored him.

“Junhong,” Daehyun started and Junhong looked at him expectantly, lips pursed and relaxed as opposed to Daehyun who seemed nervous. “Why didn’t you reply to my text?”

Junhong blinked and took out his phone immediately. He tapped on it for a good few seconds in silence between before nodding to himself. “Oh, yea. You sent me an emoji of what seemed like…” Junhong squinted at his phone rather doubtfully. “Two shadows of men?” He put his phone on the counter and shrugged. “I don’t know what that means, so I couldn’t reply right away and then I completely forgot to.”

Youngjae narrowed his eyes at Daehyun as Daehyun craned his neck slightly to check on him. Youngjae wanted to punch him but Daehyun turned to Junhong again.

“That night, at that party did you flirt with that guy in the weird shirt?”

Junhong thought for a moment before he nodded and Youngjae laid his head on the kitchen counter, puffing his cheeks because he had nothing to do with everything that was going on there.

“I did. And I thought it was a great shirt.”

“That’s not the point!” Daehyun shook his head, voice raised and Junhong took a slight step back.

“Hey, what is the matter here?” The blonde younger seemed defensive now. He looked at Youngjae and Youngjae shrugged sulkily.

Daehyun looked at Youngjae and Youngjae asked him if he could leave but Daehyun ignored him again.

Daehyun sighed. “Isn’t that cheating? You flirting with another guy?”

“I didn’t sleep with him,” Junhong scoffed. “And, whoa, why are you saying I’m cheating? I’m not dating anyone.”

Daehyun’s jaw dropped and Youngjae’s eyes widened because Junhong was so blunt, could he not see the real situation there?

“Junhong! I. Made. You. Brunch.” Daehyun pointed to himself. “You’re dating me!”

Junhong squinted. “What? I am?” He asked slowly and rather awkwardly.

The brunette’s jaw fell even lower if it was possible and Youngjae was watching with a newfound excitement, head propped on a hand as he looked at the two, because brunch was huge deal to Daehyun.

“What did you think we were _doing_?” Daehyun threw his hands into the air and Junhong seemed taken aback.

The blond looked everywhere but Daehyun, lips pursed slightly as he thought. But then he shrugged slowly.

“I don’t know, casual sex with a casual partner?”

“Fuck!” Daehyun stared at him with disbelief. “It wasn’t casual! Not at all!”

Youngjae chewed on his lips, anticipating Junhong’s reply.

“Well,” Junhong shrugged again and shaking his head slightly. “I didn’t know it wasn’t… uh, I don’t know…”

“Junhong, I like you.” Daehyun said earnestly, grabbing the younger’s arms that Junhong tensed visibly and stared at him with round eyes full of surprise. “I really like you.”

“Um, okay?”

Daehyun let go of his arms and gave Youngjae a look of utter disbelief before making gestures with his hands to explain to Junhong what was actually happening and Junhong nodded slowly despite him looking confused.

“Junhong, you’re supposed to tell him how you feel about him too.” Youngjae butted in, bored and Daehyun gave him another look which was of thanks.

Junhong blinked, staring at Daehyun who seemed hopeful and then scratching his head as he hummed, thinking.

“I like you too?”

“Really?”

Junhong’s shoulders slumped, and he managed an awkward smile, biting his lower lip almost uncertainly and there was a glint in his pair of eyes that Youngjae didn’t miss. “Yes?”

Daehyun gasped and quickly wrapped his arms around the younger. Junhong’s eyes went wide but then he slowly hugged the older back and Youngjae smiled at the sight.

“Oh my god, Junhong, you have no idea how happy I am right now.”

Junhong patted the older’s back slowly and caught Youngjae staring and smiled a cheshire grin before he winked mischievously and Youngjae’s jaw dropped because he was cunning kid.

“Whoa, what kind of heartwarming scene is this?” Himchan who had entered the apartment asked, car keys in his hand and Yongguk trailing behind him.

When Yongguk saw Youngjae he beamed and Youngjae smiled sheepishly.

“We’re dating!” Daehyun suddenly declared as he raised his intertwined hand with Junhong’s and Junhong sighed.

“Good for you.” Himchan narrowed his eyes at the two and started talking about ground rules on not using the furniture outside of his bedroom for their daily activities.

Yongguk stood beside Youngjae and their shoulders bumped.

“Hey.” Yongguk smiled as Daehyun shouted with disbelief at whatever Himchan was not allowing him to do. “So, um, are you free tonight? Do you want to have dinner with me?”

Youngjae smiled, the thought of spending time with Yongguk again was making him happy and delighted.

“That’s it Daehyun! No excuses!” Himchan shouted over Daehyun’s pleading for whatever they were discussing and walking into his room.

Daehyun groaned as Junhong laughed at him.

“So?” Yongguk raised his eyebrows at Youngjae and before Youngjae could answer Daehyun was already raising his voice.

“Oh, shit!” Daehyun quickly walked to Youngjae and pulled at his hand. Youngjae felt like a paper from the way he was instantly pulled away from Yongguk. “Youngjae you’re gonna have to come with me and Junhong to somewhere!”

“Wait, what?” Youngjae retorted as Daehyun pulled him to the door and Yongguk was watching confusedly.

“Bye Yongguk, we’re leaving for dinner!” Daehyun shouted over his own shoulder and Youngjae could only wave at the confused Yongguk as Junhong fetched them their coats.

Once they were outside and the door was closed Daehyun let go of him and Youngjae glared at him, rubbing his arm angrily.

“Seriously, what the fuck, Daehyun?”

“I completely forgot that I have to explain something to you.” Daehyun said rather urgently as he put on his coat and Junhong gave Youngjae his coat.

Youngjae’s eyebrows furrowed.

 

 

 

“Are you gonna tell me now?” Youngjae asked as he held onto his own fork. He didn’t know what Daehyun wanted to say but Daehyun kept delaying even after all their food arrived.

The three sat at one table at a diner nearby, and it was slightly raining outside, there weren’t many people around.

Junhong looked at Daehyun and Daehyun looked at him.

“Last weekend?” Daehyun started. “You were with Yongguk weren’t you?”

Youngjae swallowed a lump in his throat, looking at the two warily before half heartedly nodding.

Daehyun blinked and leaned closer, Junhong following suit as put the straw in his drink into his mouth. “Youngjae, do you _like_ Yongguk?”

He blinked even more, and scoffed, blurting what are you talking abouts and spurting out nonsense. When Daehyun gave him a serious look he tensed in his seat, straightening and pursing his lips.

“Okay, whatever, I do.” Youngjae bit his lips.

Daehyun sighed, eating his food and Junhong sipped at his soda as they waited for Daehyun to talk.

“Remember when we were talking about my roommates when you just got here?” Daehyun asked and Junhong shook the ice cubes in his drink, making a rattling sound.

“Yeah?” Youngjae didn’t know where they were going with this and truthfully he didn’t know why he didn’t want to go any further because the way Daehyun was acting all serious made him nervous.

“And I told you my roommates have something going on between the two of them?”

Youngjae wanted to say yes, he remembered but somewhere along the way he had forgotten and he shut his lips close because he didn’t know what to think and somehow even after Daehyun’s hectic actions of dragging him around the whole day and the ridiculous way of confession he had witnessed things seemed to stand still.

“What are you saying?”

Junhong slurped and Daehyun put down his cutleries.

“I think Yongguk and Himchan are sleeping with each other.”

Everything didn’t move for the longest time for Youngjae and somehow it hurt his head and he wanted to just run away and scream. But nothing seemed to be in reach to him as of the moment, and even the loud slurping from Junhong sounded so distant, so far away. He wasn’t anywhere in the diner, the city.

“Oh, my soda’s all gone.”

 

 

 

Youngjae went to classes as usual, occupying the seat at the end where he wouldn’t have Yongguk being able to slip in beside him.

He didn’t look around in class, merely focused on his own notes on his books, walking out of classes hurriedly and he knew he heard Yongguk calling him once but he was too far away out of the world to respond.

He didn’t know whether he needed to gather his thoughts, but everything was in their places so what was there to gather and arrange?

Daehyun was apologetic, buying him his favorite chips and coming over to Jongup’s place to hang out and Youngjae didn’t know what to feel.

It wasn’t like there was much to feel. Everything was so still, like the days back in his hometown. All his works were finished. There were only exams left and Youngjae didn’t know what to do with himself. He didn’t know what to do to keep on moving, to get rid of the stillness of everything because it was overwhelming once again.

Daehyun and Jongup knew what happened, Youngjae told them, laughing even, that Yongguk brought him to his hometown where they listened to records. He jokingly said nothing really happened but Daehyun and Jongup knew him too well to know that despite nothing really happening it was something Youngjae treasured seriously.

“I guess Himchan’s handsome.” Youngjae said, scooping some ice cream and pushing the spoon into his mouth.

The three were seated on Jongup’s bed, and Daehyun had brought over three tubs of ice cream.

Daehyun hummed. “He’s okay.”

“Are you kidding me?” Youngjae scoffed. “Have you even looked at him?”

Daehyun coughed, a hand on his head as he shut his eyes tightly. “Brainfreeze.” He stayed still for a while and once he recovered he looked at Youngjae. “I see him everyday, I’m sick of that face.”

Youngjae frowned and looked away.

“Are they dating?” Jongup asked.

Daehyun looked at the younger and shrugged. “Hm, I don’t know.”

“Is it like what you had with Junhong?”

“Hey, what we had—have is serious.” Daehyun retorted and licked at his spoon, thinking. “Could it be just a casual thing…?”

Youngjae ate his ice cream silently, thinking of how much longer he could avoid Yongguk before he would finally have to face the older. He didn’t know what he would say. He could act normal, say he was getting busy and didn’t have time for chitchat?

“No way.” Daehyun shook his head after thinking by himself. “I saw them blushing around each other. How can that be casual?”

Jongup sighed and looked at Youngjae. He seemed worried.

“That jerk.” Youngjae muttered, stabbing his spoon into the frozen ice cream and the other two looked at him with wide eyes.

 

 

 

After Daehyun left Youngjae and Jongup got ready to sleep, and Jongup watched his every move as he set his blanket on the floor. Youngjae noticed.

“What are you looking at?” Youngjae narrowed his eyes at Jongup.

Jongup propped himself onto his elbow. “Are you okay?”

Youngjae looked down at the blanket, and patted his pillow on the sides. He felt tired on still days, like he could sleep forever. “I am.” He answered in a low voice. But then he slowly shook his head and his head hurt. “I don’t know. I’m not. But I am.”

Jongup stared at him and when Youngjae looked up again Jongup was holding his blanket up.

“Come here then.”

Youngjae smiled tiredly and slipped into bed with Jongup.

“You know Daehyun can be stupid, right?” Jongup asked when Youngjae made himself comfortable after turning off the side table light.

Youngjae hummed, closing his eyes in the darkness. And there were the swirling thoughts of Himchan, and Yongguk and the two smiling at each other and he knew he had witnessed it himself. His head started to hurt at all the incoming trains of thoughts that were Yongguk and Yongguk and each one contradicted the one who brought him out of the city where everything was still.

“You should know things from Yongguk himself instead.”

Youngjae didn’t answer, and Jongup held him with his strong arms and it felt okay for once after the few days.

 

 

 

He skipped classes the next day, staying in bed after Jongup left. Jongup was worried about him and told him to rest.

Youngjae didn’t know what to do, he didn’t feel well. It was a cold city to live in, he didn’t know what could cheer him up there so he bought a ticket and then he was alone on a train to his hometown with a record of Miles Davis on his lap, still and flat.

He remembered the trip he had with Yongguk and felt his heart clench because it felt like a lie. Maybe it was. But Youngjae would prefer to think of it as a dream. It was something nice, he had a nice time, he admitted that, but it just wasn’t real.

When he arrived at the station he felt coldly empty, and he walked in the village, greeting the grandpas and grandmas he knew since he was a child, had warm conversations with them and then he was on his way alone again.

He wondered if that was how Yongguk felt like, coming back to his hometown. He felt at peace, and when he sat on the grass at the hill he would have expected himself to be hurting and crying but instead he was smiling to himself because he felt fine.

After all the months of grieving he finally felt fine, even there at the place where his beloved grandmother was buried.

“I miss you grandma.”

Maybe that was what it meant to grieve all along. He didn’t think it was grieving if he wasn’t there with peace in his heart. Grieving, he thought, and he thought of Yongguk, meant he was accepting the fact that his grandmother wasn’t there with him in the world anymore, and he was okay because they had loved and had a life together. What more could he ever wished for?

He spent the rest of the day there, thinking of the days when his grandmother would take walks in the afternoon around the village. His grandmother letting him choose the cucumbers to buy from the farmers selling their crops, cooking him his favorite meal and he remembered climbing the persimmon tree in their front yard and the sweet juicy taste in his mouth as his sat on the branch of the tree and his grandmother was yelling at him that it was dangerous.

But he had jumped down and laughed.

“Look, I’m fine.”

And Youngjae chuckled to himself when he remembered a persimmon fell on his head and he had cried out in pain as his grandmother laughed at him for being such a silly kid.

When it was dusk, Youngjae made his way down the hill after a warm goodbye to his grandmother and he went to the empty house, pushing the gate open and then closing it.

The house was silent with no occupants and the persimmon tree bore no fruit.

He turned on the lights, cleaned the house, sweeping away the dusts alone in the silent night, with crickets chirping in the distance.

When he was done he laid on the floor, the floor hard and cold. The jazz record he wrapped in his arms and he imagined soft music resonating through the house, into the open air and the starry night sky.

Everything felt so still, he didn’t think time existed there at all.

And he fell asleep watching the night sky.

When morning came he had woken up with the sound of birds chirping and he washed his face with cold water. He figured he should return to the city soon because there were several calls from Daehyun and Jongup and worried texts.

And as he stored the jazz record he had into a drawer in the living room, which strangely felt like a ghost that had accompanied him through the night he wasn’t surprised to see Yongguk’s name appearing on his phone too.

But he ignored them all and went on his way instead. He met the farmers on their way to the market and they gave him some of their fruits and Youngjae had been thankful.

He met his grandfather’s friend who passed by him on a truck and recognized him immediately. The old man gave him a ride to the station, talking about the old days and how his own children and grandchildren were doing in different cities.

It was pleasant, coming back there with a peaceful heart. And Youngjae wanted to do it again. He knew it would do him good to just get out of the city every once in a while.

While waiting for the train he called his mom and told her they should come there together, and they could have meals as a family. He knew his brother would be up for it too. His mom agreed and told him to take care of himself since she was working far away. Maybe thanksgiving, she said and he said maybe that’s the best.

Youngjae slept on the train back to the city, head lolling to the side and resting against the cold window with passing trees and small buildings, hands clasped in the cool atmosphere.

When he returned, Jongup wasn’t home and he cooked himself an early dinner, watching the television and looking through ads of apartments for rent on the internet.

Jongup returned late at night and beamed at his presence.

“I swear I thought you went missing.”

Youngjae had laughed because he wasn’t a kid and he knew how to take care of himself.

The next day he overslept and was late to class, almost slipping in the bathroom and toothbrush thrown into the sink after he was done brushing. Jongup had left him alone on the bed, probably too nice to wake him up and force him to go to class.

He had burst out of the apartment with a toast in one mouth and his bag brimming with books when he found Yongguk at the door, looking at him in surprise.

His toast almost fell out of his gaping mouth but Yongguk pushed it up with one finger immediately and Youngjae blinked, taking a slight step back.

“Where were you yesterday? We couldn’t reach you.” Yongguk asked worriedly, a slight smile on his face that showed he was unsure whether he should smile as Youngjae pushed his books into his bag and zipped it close.

“It wasn’t of anyone’s business.” He replied rather coldly and he refused to meet Yongguk’s eyes. “What are you doing here?” He asked, chewing on his toast and then pushing them all the way into his mouth in one go.

Yongguk stared at him and managed a smile. It made Youngjae sick with his mouth full.

“I wanted to see you.”

“Well you did.” Youngjae muttered, swallowing and he walked past the older and Yongguk trailed after him.

“What’s wrong, Youngjae? Why are you acting so cold?” He asked desperately, low voice and slow words, Youngjae hated how it resonated through his whole body. “Why are you avoiding me?”

Youngjae decided he didn’t have time to deal with it and turned sharply, glaring at Yongguk. “Let me ask _you_ a question. What were you _doing_?” he asked thought gritted teeth. “Taking me to your hometown and… and and making me listen to music and everything?”

Yongguk’s eyes went round with confusion as his mouth parted, not really knowing what to say. Youngjae would have expected him to know what to say.

“That’s what I thought.” Youngjae narrowed his eyes, frowning and before he could leave Yongguk held onto his arms and he pulled them away instantly and Yongguk seemed hurt by his actions but Youngjae’s eyes were watering.

“I… I thought we had a nice time.”

Youngjae chuckled darkly, holding onto his own arm where Yongguk had touched him and he felt like he was losing his balance, like the ground was moving and spinning. “Oh, yes, yes we did, didn’t we?”

Yongguk blinked, looking like he could be forever confused. And it was genuine confusion Youngjae felt like it was unfair, unfair how he was so hurt by this but Yongguk had not the faintest idea. “Youngjae please tell me what I did wrong?”

Youngjae felt heat rising up to his head and he was angry. Because Yongguk was stupid, he didn’t know why he liked such a guy, who talked so slowly and had such deep voice. He hated it all at that moment.

“Maybe you should ask Himchan that instead!” He snapped. “Maybe the one you did wrong to is Himchan and I was just a tool!”

“What are you talking about?”

And the words were slowly tumbling out of his mouth it drove Youngjae crazy.

“You’re sleeping with Himchan aren’t you?” Youngjae asked, and he was breathing heavily, so mad and his head hurt. And he stared at the older pleadingly, and a part of him was begging that it wasn’t true. He was waiting for Yongguk to tell him it was a lie, it was a misunderstanding.

“What…?” Yongguk shook his head, looking surprised and even more confused. “I—I did. I can’t… I don’t know how you found out—”

Youngjae pressed his lips together because even the tiny hope he had stored inside himself was crushed. And he felt himself crumbling and he didn’t want to look at Yongguk anymore.

And he left Yongguk gaping, wiping the tears in his eyes as he cursed at himself.

 

 

 

It didn't take long for him to see Yongguk again, unfortunately.

After a very dull day and stupid classes and stupid textbooks and stupid bag that kept slipping of his shoulder at the weight of the books, Youngjae went home with Jongup with a very dreadful heart, and the two stood still in the hallway when they found Yongguk standing there.

Youngjae glared at Yongguk. “What now?” He asked as Jongup unlocked the door.

“I need to explain it to you.” Yongguk said, messy black hair and worried expression.

“You need to stop hanging around out here, no one invited you.” Youngjae sighed.

“Would you two like to come in?” Jongup asked.

“We’ll stay outside.” Youngjae answered and Jongup closed the door.

Yongguk stared at him, fists clenched nervously as he chewed on his lips.

“I can call the cops you know.” Youngjae said. “I can have Jongup beat you up.”

“Youngjae.”

“Okay whatever I was kidding.” He said with a straight face. “But I can’t hold Jongup back.”

Youngjae looked up at the older and he could already feel himself crumbling again. And the world felt like it was swirling again, Yongguk was like a tornado enveloping him, and he felt like he was spinning and spinning and his head hurt. How could Yongguk stand so still there when Youngjae was experiencing internal earthquake?

“I did sleep with Himchan.” Yongguk said in a low voice and his eyebrows were knitted, looking at the way Youngjae swallowed a lump in his throat and avoiding his eyes. “But it was only one time.”

Youngjae blinked, and a bead of tear rolled down his cheek.

“It was a mistake.” Yongguk hastily explained. “We were drunk. We both agreed it was a mistake, hell, we were so awkward around each other for the longest time and we still cringe when we think about it. And Himchan and I agreed we would never talk about it, never, never in a million years and we agreed to think as it never happened.”

Youngjae wiped at his cheek, still refusing to look at Yongguk.

“We shared no feelings, Youngjae.” Yongguk whispered. “And I like you. Even when I haven’t met you I have liked you. I liked you for a long time ever since Daehyun talked about you and I like you even more now that I know you.”

Youngjae finally had the courage to look at him. And he stared hard at the older.

“I’m so mad at you.” He blurted and Yongguk’s eyebrows knitted in the most worrying way. “I am so mad at you, do you know how I feel?”

Yongguk couldn’t say anything, wanted to but maybe Youngjae didn’t want him to.

Because he thought about his grandmother, Yongguk’s grandfather and the past months where it had felt like he couldn’t do anything at all. He was a ghost wandering with a headache, but when he went to visit his grandmother’s grave he realized she was the ghost and he needed to let go.

And he didn’t want any more ghosts.

Didn’t want to be one.

It was going to take a long time to recover from Yongguk and his jazz music but Youngjae knew he didn’t want to go through any more of it.

He didn’t want Yongguk’s ghost.

“Go home, Yongguk.” He said, lowering his gaze.

If it was any indication how ready he was to avoid Yongguk after hearing what Daehyun said, and if it hurt that much that past few days then maybe Youngjae didn’t want it for the rest of the week and the months and even the years. He would grieve but everything comes at a price and he was willing to pay.

Yongguk didn’t say anything, he was quiet and contemplating. And the way his fingers were still at his sides showed defeat somehow and Youngjae didn’t know why it left him breathless.

And Yongguk walked away.

Youngjae watched his slow, uncertain steps and Yongguk turned to look at him again.

“I really like you.” Yongguk said, almost urgently almost so desperately that it made Youngjae feel like blacking out for some reason. “I really like you, Youngjae.” He said again and he was honest Youngjae couldn’t handle it.

“I like you too.” Youngjae sighed and Yongguk seemed hopeful but Youngjae shook his head. “I’m sorry I’m mad at you, but if it drives me this crazy over stupid things then I don’t want it, Yongguk.”

And time stood still for them both. The spinning slowed and the whole world that was a harsh merry go round seemed to stop for a moment.

Youngjae gets headache pretty easily, and somehow he strived on it.

Everything too still meant nothing was happening and meant everything that was going to hurt was going to catch up to him.

So he looked away, and turned. His hand reached for the cold doorknob and he thought of what Daehyun would say if he found out he had just been a coward. What would Jongup think of his decision? He was a scaredy cat, especially without his grandmother because if he fell off the persimmon tree now who was going to save him?

He wanted to be sincere to himself, and he thought of Daehyun’s honest sincerity towards Junhong. Thought of the way Jongup held him when he wasn’t okay and made everything felt okay when he couldn’t do it himself. The way Daehyun lived miserably on his bed when Junhong flirted with someone else and the way he acted like his world was crumbling and everything was only because of the brunch he made and maybe Youngjae understood.

And he hated Daehyun so much at the moment because he took a deep breath and turned again and Yongguk’s gaze was so soft, so was his hair that Youngjae loved so much and everything. He knew it was crazy to throw away all of those that made the person that was Yongguk after everything that he had learned and experienced. What would he do without that stupid Daehyun?

He took a step towards Yongguk and Yongguk blinked concernedly.

“Did you have brunch with him?”

Silence hung between them for a moment.

“What? We’re roommates, of course we have brunches.” Yongguk stared at him confusedly, blinking and he was so genuinely confused Youngjae placed the whole price of everything he was willing to risk on Yongguk.

“With Himchan, did you have brunch together after, you know?”

The older opened his mouth to answer, and when the corner of his lips lifted, he got it, he understood what it was all about.

Again, Youngjae was rendered breathless because he was hopeful, finally.

“No.”

Youngjae felt his chest heaving, wanting air and Yongguk and the world was spinning again.

He could turn again, and reach for the doorknob where there weren’t any ghosts to catch him and where everything would spin and spin and he didn’t have to dwell on all the things that hurt just because it hurt.

He ran to Yongguk instead, jumping in his steps and did what he had wanted to do since long ago.

Their lips crashed together as Youngjae cupped his face and Yongguk caught him with his arms, spinning him in the air from the momentum and at that moment he literally spun and his head hurt but Yongguk’s lips were soft and gentle he finally understood.

The moment Yongguk lied with him on the wooden floor back in Yongguk’s hometown and his jazz music and his instant noodles in the middle of the night had rendered everything so still Youngjae had the ghost he was running away from catch up with him.

And it was why he had cried there, spilling out regrets and pain and Yongguk had held him still, just like the way Yongguk had his arms wrapped tightly around him at the moment and placed him back onto his feet on the ground and _just_ held him still.

It was the moment that Youngjae learned that grieving was about letting go and forgiving himself, accepting that things hurt sometimes and it needed to.  And that was when he had felt relieved for the first time after he lost his grandmother, and Youngjae was relieved for the second time because Yongguk kept him still in the spinning world, letting the ghosts catch up again but it wasn’t something bad and he knew Yongguk and the people he had close to him had made him realize that.

Youngjae managed to laugh and Yongguk did too.

“Hey, stay still.” Yongguk said between laughter when he missed his lips and when Youngjae did they kissed and it was finally good to stay still.

 

 

 

_The days turn into months, the months turn into years  
So just for the moment, let's be still_

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

“You’re saying, you did that on purpose? You purposely flirted with that guy you met at the party?”

Junhong nodded, he had gone out of Daehyun’s bedroom to find Youngjae and Yongguk having brunch in the kitchen together.

“I thought he had a really weird shirt so I just went for it.” Junhong shrugged as he ate his cereal, relaxed despite Youngjae and Yongguk looked at him with disbelief.

“You mean, you just wanted Daehyun to confess to you?”

Junhong nodded, not looking up from his bowl.

“But wasn’t it obvious he already likes you from the start?” Youngjae narrowed his eyes at the young blond.

“Yeah.” Junhong said. “But if I say something about it, we would be labelling ourselves, you know. Daehyun’s very egoistic, it would only feed him for me to say I like him first and then he wouldn’t want a label which will put him in a lead and he would probably say it was bullshit anyway. I needed him to feel threatened so he didn’t have other choices but to label us himself.”

Yongguk and Youngjae nodded slowly.

“Man, I don’t get it, but it makes so much sense.” Youngjae said thoughtfully, and he looked at Yongguk who was chewing on his scrambled eggs. “Did you realize he had pretty much described everything that makes up Daehyun?”

Yongguk chuckled and shrugged amusedly.

“Plus,” Junhong added after he drank his leftover milk from the bowl. “Having him all desperate and frustrated about it made me feel so good.”

“Oh my god, that is so wrong.”

“What?” Daehyun who emerged from his room came into the kitchen and Junhong winked at Youngjae before turning his head to let the brunette kiss him.

“Nothing, we were just talking about the weather.”

Daehyun looked at Youngjae and Youngjae shrugged, Yongguk laughing.

“Okay?” Daehyun took a piece of bacon from Youngjae and received a curse from his friend.

When Youngjae noticed Yongguk looking at him amusedly his face went red and Daehyun scoffed.

“Stop trying to act nice around Yongguk, I told him all the evil things you did in your life.” Daehyun said with bacon in his mouth.

Yongguk draped an arm around Youngjae’s shoulders and smiled as he placed his piece of bacon onto Youngjae’s plate.

“That doesn’t change anything.” Yongguk whispered and Youngjae stayed still in his arm. He wished the others could leave because he really wanted to kiss Yongguk.

“Whoa, bacons at this time?” Himchan suddenly appeared and took Youngjae’s bacon and Youngjae sighed. “Why are all of you gathered here for brunch like you have such important discussion?”

Junhong shrugged. “We talked about how you once slept with Yongguk.”

Himchan started choking on his bacon, coughing wildly as he hit his own chest and Youngjae was watching with his jaw hanging and Yongguk had to struggle to swallow his food.

“Shit, it makes me cringe so hard, why do you bring it up?” Himchan said, grimacing and shaking his head disgustedly. “Oh my god I’m so sorry Youngjae but it’s so disgusting, ugh.”

And Junhong winked at Youngjae as he pulled Daehyun into the older’s bedroom, and Himchan running into his own room while hitting his own head in hopes it would get rid of his one and only unwanted memory.

Yongguk laughed instead and gazed at Youngjae softly, slightly brushing at his hair.

“Come on, we’ll go buy you a record player so finish your brunch.”

 

 

 

 


End file.
